I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Shame is for Republicans.
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