btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
