new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
