Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
