I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
