i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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