I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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