dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize