It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
