Yo dont text me then not text me
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
