"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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