Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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