I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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