is your mom at the bar?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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