I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The struggles of a small town man whore
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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