I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
