my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
