my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
