Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
