I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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