I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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