he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
