and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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