so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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