its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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