Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Less talking, more tequila
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
