Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
