New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
