Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
