You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize