he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
