Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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