you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
