Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
