party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
