his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
