so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
