Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
