i need an iv and a liver transplant
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
