I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
