My first STD was from a foam party
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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