he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You are a genius and a whore.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
