awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
