Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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