do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
birth control should be required to get into college
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
