nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize