you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
