wanna go halves on a baby?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
