I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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