I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
