last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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