So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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