Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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