wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
