you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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