Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize
